Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
