I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
