Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize