And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
