I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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