So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
