the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
