i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
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