I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
