youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize