I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
