are you still at the devil's house?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
