Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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