i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
