I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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