i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
