You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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