I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I currently don't understand fingers.
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