Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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