I met the friendliest cop last night
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
