I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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