I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
