And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
