I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize