On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
