3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
