Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
