Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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