I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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