Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
she pinky promised me she was 18
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Randomize
