Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize