You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
