ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
