I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize
