Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
