there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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