im drinking this country out of the recession.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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