Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
