i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
