never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize