I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
