Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
