Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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