Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
