I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
