Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
