tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
