Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
