did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize