you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
