Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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