He disabled his match.com account in front of me
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
home. puking in laundry basket.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize