He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
