so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
