I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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