My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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