We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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